Why all of a sudden? & why now?

       I was the girl in high school that was blessed with a wonderful group of friends that were there for every smile & every tear. I always thought something was missing though, and that was a boyfriend. I wasn't desperate, but I was just sick & tired of everyone else having something that I couldn't quite grasp. (Now there were a couple moments of bliss, when I thought everything would be perfect..but that was always short lived.) I did get my first kiss, a handful of dates, & several really good guy friendships. I just couldn't understand why guys would say I was cute, pretty, etc. & not ask me on a date. My poor mom, she listened to countless stories of me whining about life. And looking back, I sounded pathetic, (but this isn't a self-bashing right now, just a reflection.) Every time she would give me advice, encouragement, & the truth. I now understand why people hate to see me, when they asked for advice. The truth hurts, but it is a lot easier to handle then having to lie and keep it straight. Maybe that was the reason I never walked around my small high school campus with a guy on my arm. I knew I was the girl in my group of friends that was not liked by their boyfriends/ best guy friends. It was because I didn't put up with the silly mind games, disrespect, & whatever else they tried to throw at me/my friends. I was told so many times to give them a chance, that I was the one who didn't understand.....umm, no, I understood exactly what was going on. But oh well, that's the past &  now I'm a freshman in college. :) Since graduating high school, I have had the most boy drama in the whole wide world. It's like all of a sudden, I was on the map. I feel so much like the players I would fall for in high school. I guess mentally in my head, I just keep telling myself that I was NOT a player, and hanging out with all these different guys was no big deal. So what, if most of them had a crush on me & wanted to make our friendship more than that?? It was a big deal to me because I don't want to lose friendships or make anyone feel the hurt I felt over something I accidentally did. Deep down, that is what I think makes me different from those players I fell for back in high school. I don't intentionally try to hurt anyone emotionally, so that is why I feel like I need to straighten myself out and get everything in check before I commit myself in to a relationship. And I know that that is fair, or at least it is to my standards. Plus, if that is what it takes for me to be fully committed and feel good in a relationship, I am willing to take the extra time to set it straight. SOoooooo yeah, that is my 2 cents about that, thanks for reading! :)